bar room jokes

***Black and White***
One day the chieftain of a tribe in Africa furiously approached a missionary priest in their village. "Father! My wife gave birth to a white child! And you are the only white man within 50km of this village! Explain that, explain now!" The priest, breaking a sweat, told the angry chieftain: "You know chief you have nothing to worry about. That is how God works. God works in mysterious ways." The priest noticed that the chieftain was not so convinced so he pointed to a group of goats. "Look at that family of goats, chief. All of them are white except for one. See, that's how God works." This time around, the chieftain showed a calm face and the priest was relieved. The chief then whispered to the priest: "Okay, Father, no need to worry. I'll make you a deal, I'll be quiet about the white child, you just be quiet about the black goat.***

*****Sister Likes it in a Cup*****
Edong was sitting outside his local videoki pub one day, enjoying a quiet beer and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drinking. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Annoyed, Edong goes on the offensive, "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so," answered the frocked woman. Edong fires back, "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous ---- I have never taken alcohol," answers the nun. "Then let me buy you a drink, if you still believe afterward that it is evil, I will give up drinking for life." "How could I, a Nun sit outside this public house drinking?" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you then no one will ever know," consoled Edong. The nun reluctantly agress, so Edong walks up to the bartender to order some drinks. "Another beer for me and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and tells the bartender. "And could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again, is it?" shouts the bartender.****

****Double That!****

One day, a man found an old lamp. He rubbed it to check if a genie would come popping out and, to his surprise, a genie did come out. "I will give you three wishes for liberating me from that old dirty lamp," said the genie. "That's great!" exclaimed the man. But the genie quickly informed him that everytime he'd make a wish, his wife would get double of that. The man nodded, indicating that he's fine with it. First, he wished for a Ferrari Enzo, and a blood red model appeared right before his eyes while his wife got two. Then for the second wish, he asked for a mansion his wife again getting twice of what he asked for. The genie then asks, "What would you want for your final wish?" Confidently, the man proclaims, "Make me 50 percent paralyzed..."***

***Screw You!***

Two boys, both from well-to-do families, were bragging about their families' affluence.
Boy1: Our new French maid is a robot.
Boy2: A robot? Maids aren't robots
Boy1: But ours is...I overheard my dad telling one of his golf buddies that he screws her ass off every Saturday!"***

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered...





A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Drunken Confession





Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

Watch and Learn





A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"